Connection Doesn’t Require Disclosure

Here’s something I hear often in my coaching work, usually with a bit of hesitation:

“How do I build real connection with my team without forcing anyone, including myself, to be more open than they're comfortable being?"

There's a belief many leaders carry that professionalism means keeping the personal at arm's length. It's not cynicism. It's our conditioning. Yet it makes genuine connection much harder than it needs to be.

Then there’s another script most of us picked up along the way. Ask about the weekend, share something personal, be open, be warm, be relatable. If you’re not doing those things, or if someone on your team isn’t, something must be missing.

But openness isn’t the same thing as connection.

You don’t build trust only by sharing more. You build it by showing up with curiosity, encouragement, and presence.

One thing I’ve noticed in my work with leaders: the conversation about privacy has shifted. People are more intentional now about what they share and with whom.

That’s not dysfunction. That’s discernment. Often, it’s protection.

Years ago, I worked with a leader who was navigating this exact tension. They were labelled “not a team player”. When we looked at why, it came down to one thing: they hadn’t participated in the team’s fitness challenge.

It wasn’t a casual step-count competition. It was intense, public, and competitive, with leaderboards and social pressure baked in. Maybe it conflicted with their values around body image. Or they had health considerations no one knew about. Or they didn’t want to compete with their colleagues that way.

They were the only one not participating, so the story became: they don’t want to be part of us.

Together, we explored what their presence could look like without participation. What they found was easier than they expected.

They could glance at the leaderboard and say, “Wow, you’re in third place, how’s the training going?” They could cheer someone on in the hallway. They could show interest in their colleagues’ participation, without doing the thing.

Engagement is not the same as disclosure. You can be part of the team without handing over your inner life.

1: Show up with small, consistent gestures

✅ Remember what someone mentioned last week.
✅ Notice when they did something well and say so.
✅ Ask a follow-up question that shows you were actually listening.

These moments build something real over time, without anyone having to perform a level of openness they don’t feel ready for.

2: Ask about the work, not just the person

“How was your weekend?”

For some, it feels warm. For others, it feels exposing.

Try: “I know you’ve been heads-down on that project. How’s it going?”

It signals the same warmth with far less exposure risk.

The subject does the work. The message underneath is simple: I see you.

3: Signal belonging without demanding sameness

The team member who feels accepted as they are will give you far more than the one who feels pressured to fit in.

Your job isn’t to get everyone to open up in the same way.

Some people will share about their family, their health, their weekend plans.
Others won’t. That’s not a problem to fix.

This isn’t: Be like us.
It’s: You belong here, even if your way of working looks different.

Connection at work doesn’t look the same for everyone.

Some people connect through contribution. Others connect through closeness.

If you design for only the most visible kind, you end up losing good people who simply connect another way.

As a leader, you get to design for more than one kind of connection.

Spaces that feel genuinely inviting rather than compulsory.
Where someone can participate at the edge instead of the centre and still feel like they belong.

That’s culture, and it starts before anyone says a word.

The most durable working relationships I’ve seen don’t start with what people do together. They start with something two people recognise in each other: a shared value, a similar way of seeing the world.

The work deepens that connection. It doesn’t create it.

Sometimes we set the bar for connection so high that we miss what’s already there.

The colleague you genuinely enjoy talking to. The one you’d grab coffee with if your calendar ever cleared. That’s not trivial. That’s a foundation.

The goal isn’t forced closeness. It’s conditions where connection can happen for everyone in the room, including you.

Some relationships will go deep. Others will stay lighter, but still warm.
Still respectful. Still real. They both count.

That’s not a lesser version of leadership. It’s a more honest one.

I share insights on human-centered leadership, team dynamics, and workplace culture on LinkedIn. Here are 4 posts from the past month that capture these themes:

Thank you for reading, Michelle

PS. If this brought something up for you as a leader and you’d like space to think it through, reply to this email.

If you’d like the practical tools, here’s my cheat sheet library on feedback, supporting your team, navigating uncertainty and more.

myfactor guides Fortune 500s, non-profits, and founder-led ventures through critical leadership challenges. We develop human-centered leaders who build trust through meaningful connections - the foundation of high-performing teams and thriving culture.